Online Stud, Offline Poodle

Dear Pal,

What gives? What’s with all the danger boy selfies? From the profile photos you are constantly uploading on the various social networking sites that we both use, a person would think you were a seriously macho manly rugged tough guy stud.

Each day, there’s another. There you are, glaring into the camera. Pouty scowl on the chiseled face. Tight jaw. Clenched fists. Biceps tense. Your shoulders are sturdy, your stance is confrontational. You are ready to kick some ass.


Anyone would think you were one of those hard bodied steely statured strong silent men. A dominant type-A take charge testosterone T-Rex. Lookout everyone, there’s a new cock on the walk.

The thing is, I know you. In real life. We have met. We are friends. You are not that guy. You are not a stud. You are a poodle.

I don’t mean this disparagingly, but you are nothing like the image you are trying to create for yourself online. You are a poodle. An adorable, lovable, fluffy eared, wet nosed, waggly tailed, cute cute cute cute baby boy poodle.

That is who you are. That is what makes you who you are. That sweetness. That openness. That young and playful and unselfconscious freedom. People like you so much because there is absolutely nothing threatening about you. For heaven’s sake, you are a dancer. You wiggle that cute butt and shimmy those sexy shoulders and yes you have the body of a go-go boy, but you are a poodle. A gay, pink, frilly poodle.

Have you heard your voice? It is not gruff and gravelly. You do not sound like a cowboy, nor a football player. You sound like a teenaged girl. Like the kind of teenaged girl who watches Glee. Who screams with glee when her favorite song comes on the radio. Then starts dancing as if no one is watching.

Have you seen the way you move? No swagger. No strut. You glide with grace and poise. You clap your hands when you’re happy. Which you always are. In fact, I’ve never seen you make the faces in your posed selfies. I’ve never seen you looking stern. You don’t look stern. You look happy. Always.

I get that you work hard on that body of yours. That you spend hours at the gym sculpting the super stud physique. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s actually quite impressive. Admirable. Good for you. Even if you didn’t have such a pretty face, your hard work would make you attractive to any guy in the 9-10 range on the scale of gay beauty.

Of course, you do have a pretty face. Which means you don’t need all that muscle. You could easily pass for a model. Even so, I get it. You want the hot body. Okay, you’ve got the hot body.

What I don’t get is why you are presenting yourself in photos as something so far from who you are in life? Is it that you honestly don’t realize who you are? How soft and cuddly and tickle your tummy adorable? Or is it that you don’t want to be that, and want the world to see you as someone else? Someone tough. Someone hard. Someone dangerous.

Don’t be dangerous, baby boy. Be yourself. If you try so hard to be something you are not, you will attract all the wrong guys, and you will never find true love. Besides, people are going to see what a wonderful sweet and lovable puppy dog you really are the moment they meet you in person. So why not start with that?



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