Identical Twins

Posted on February 19, 2015

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Are they sexy or creepy?

It’s a question I ask myself whenever I watch Property Brothers on HGTV. The answer is something I cannot decide. For those of you who have not seen the program, it’s a home remodeling show hosted by a tall dark and handsome pair of identical twins. The basic gimmick is that the realtor brother helps the client buy a fixer upper. Then the designer brother does the fixing and upping.

The guys are rather extreme metrosexuals. One has a carefully thought out conservative look. Trim tailored suits. Neatly styled hair. The other has a carefully thought out casual look. Snug fitting jeans. Highlights. Exactly like the after photos on any makeover show. Look, see? This is what the stylish man wears to the office. Here is what he wears to the trendy coffee shop. They definitely have a cut-out dress-up doll vibe going.

Seeing these two guys interact with each other, I go back and forth between finding it kind of creepy, and finding it kind of arousing. I know a lot of people think twins are hot, and I guess I can understand that. If they are good looking, that is. There can be something fantasy-like about double studs, evenly matched. Realtor guy and designer guy, naturally, have perfect gym bodies. Advertising agencies have been showing us images of female twins for years. Two bathing suit models frolicking on the beach. Like that. So why not a similar scene, with frisky boys?

They grab hold of a couple of pokers from the fireplace and play at sword fighting. While the cameras are catching them in ostensibly unrehearsed out takes. Like all those reality shows that pretend there isn’t a camera crew standing over the shoulder of the non actors. Or adjusting the lights, or holding the boom mic just out of frame.

One brother admonishes the other, claiming that they are wasting time fooling around when there is much work to be done. When the second brother agrees, and bends over to put the pokers down, he presents a tempting target. The first brother thinks fast and gives his butt a playful kick. A chase ensues.

That’s the kind of exchange that makes these guys fun to watch. However, what if the twins are not so good looking?

Recently, I received one of those puzzling facebook friend requests from a total stranger. No friends in common. No note of introduction. No explanation why this person wants to connect with me, and no reason why I should accept the mysterious invitation.

Feeling that a blunt rejection is somewhat rude, I click on a few of his photos before deleting the request. To see if I can find any hint as to what may have prompted his interest. The guy looks like he’s stuck in the 1980s. Fake tan. Helmet hair. Cheesy mustache. There are plenty of photos of him posing with his teenaged girls, and himself.

Wait. He is posing with himself. What? The situation is so preposterous that it takes a few minutes for it to sink in. This guy is raising his family of girls, alongside his identical twin brother. Two dads. Together. They are a couple.

There they are, in vacation photos. Romantic photos. Big cheesy mustached smiling mirror images. Okay… ick.

It’s probably true that many people look for a type that is close to what they themselves are. Finding a person the same height and weight, with the same physical description, the same strengths, the same features, may be appealing. If you had a particularly vain nature, you might even wish that you could find someone who was your carbon copy. So you could make love to yourself. I guess.

In that case, what better partner than your very own twin? (Trying not to be judgmental here.) If they are both men, does it qualify as incest?

However, taking it to the extreme of marrying yourself and raising a family of adopted girls, then posting disturbing holiday photos of your creepy as a mormon polygamist with his three wives in hand made prairie dresses… well, that is just really super icky.

Twins don’t do it for me. I tend to lean more to the “It’s creepy” argument. Of course, there is one famous, and fairly convincing, example of male twins who are undeniably arousing. American tennis superstars The Bryan Brothers. Tall, handsome, wildly successful, and as playful as a pair of overgrown puppy dogs. They are as fun to watch on the court as they are impressive.

Their list of victories is unmatched in the history of doubles tennis. Which makes sense. They are two copies of the same athlete. They share the same genes. The same instincts. Abilities. They can read each other perfectly. No need to speak. Each already knows what the other is thinking, and how he will react. Instantly. The formula for an unbeatable team.

What’s more, they are physically affectionate with one another. Which, considering they are brothers, can be expected. Encouraged. It’s part of their charm. Naturally, they love each other, and as they appear to be heterosexual, their demonstrations of affection do not raise any eyebrows from the homophobes. It’s almost like being in other cultures, where men can kiss, embrace, and hold hands without anyone getting bent out of shape.

That is not to say there aren’t homoerotic overtones. Thankfully, there are. Plenty of them. To be found not only in the moments of contact. These two actually appear to be flirting with each other. Teasing. The innocence of it makes it arousing.

Allow me to illustrate:

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Here is their signature chest bump. More of a tummy bump, really. A perfectly acceptable celebratory sportsy  move, but notice the eye contact. The placement of the hands. These guys manage to be suggestive without even trying.

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Another signature move. The combination lift and embrace. What could be more endearing than two men melting into each other with this much affection? There is real love there. Notice the way the one being held completely surrenders his weight. Even the one doing the lifting is relaxing fully into the embrace. Tuning out the fans and the cameras for a shared moment with his teammate brother. Then hoisting him up higher, in a way that shows off his bottom.

A trophy being held aloft. “He’s all mine.”

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Especially when he slaps that bottom. Notice the right hand, palm flat, hovering suggestively. The roles are flipped here. The one on top is in the vulnerable position, and appears to enjoy it. The one on the bottom is clearly in charge.

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Here they are goofing around. This photo was used as a caption contest. One brother adopting a pose of complete submission, the other on his knees in prayer. Have they just won a difficult set, and are offering thanks, or are they about to be spanked by their opponents and are begging for mercy?

Of course, they are not often spanked. They are usually the ones administering the spankings.

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This photo says it all. Two champions making love to a shiny trophy. It’s compelling in more ways than one. The Bryan on the right is kissing his two dimensional reflection. Meanwhile, his real life, three dimensional reflection fixes his gaze squarely on him. A tantalizing almost kiss. A real turn on. Perhaps all the more arousing exactly because they are identical twins.

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Posted in: Gay Matters