Okay. So there was a big game on Sunday. Hard to avoid hearing about it. Reading about it. Seeing it on the tv screen, the computer screen. A week of much ado over deflated footballs, and speculation surrounding which commercials will be the most expensive.
We approach football as if it is the only sport that matters. I freely admit I care nothing for the game, and have no interest in watching any of the peripheral commentaries, nor the press conferences featuring handsome quarterbacks, and do not participate in the whole brouhaha.
So it was with mild amusement that I read an article being passed around on the social media sites. Which Superbowl player has the most Super Butt?
Seriously. They were rating the players based on who had the cutest ass. In football.
With this, I take issue. Guys with cute butts? That is not football territory. That is a gay man’s sport. Opinions on that matter, I have.
If you want to check out a guy with a cute butt, football is not the sport for you. There may be one or two handsome quarterbacks with a shapely rear end, but as a general rule, the body type you find on most athletes in that sport does not include a nice ass. Those guys are mostly bulky. Built like trucks. There are, however, other sports whose players are known almost as well for the impressive muscles of their backsides as for their athletic skill.
Think about it. Have you ever seen a ballet dancer who did not have a nice butt? All of them are built almost exactly the same way. Slender torso, muscular thighs, beautiful ass. Thank god the standard costume for a dancer includes tights. Sometimes, little else.
Admittedly, ballet is not a sport, but I’m easing into a point here. My description of dancers can easily fit ice skaters. Both the body type and the costumes. Figure skaters and ballet dancers are practically interchangeable on the chart of athletes that look especially good from behind.
It’s not just figure skaters, either. Beneath the clumsy gear of a hockey player is that same well developed lower body, and let’s consider speed skaters for a moment, shall we?
Observe this member of the USA Olympic team. His name is Chad Hedrick. Handsome fellow from every angle. He’s got a sweet smile, and sparkly eyes, but there can be no doubt about his strongest feature. He looks as if he’s been photoshopped, but he hasn’t. That’s all him. Those astounding cheeks of his are what provide him with a necessary burst of power. The visual poetry of form following function.
Another excellent example would be soccer players. Those guys spend hours every day kicking a ball around a field. Running, dodging, changing directions on a dime. No wonder they all look like this guy:
Okay, well, maybe they don’t all look like this guy. Imagine two entire teams of players with this man’s assets? No one would be paying attention to the score. His name is Branislav Ivanovic, and he is breathtaking to behold in motion. Or in pose. Which he could get paid to do. Pose, I mean. In addition to being a soccer star, he could be a male model. Any designer would be lucky to have his expensive jeans, or his sexy briefs, clinging to that ass.
It isn’t necessary to stick to the obvious. Ice skaters and soccer players. You can find an athlete with a cute butt in the more mainstream everyday American sport of baseball. There’s always some player bending over with his hands on his knees by the baseline. Behind first and third bases. Presenting the fans in the bleachers with an attractive object to study while waiting for the guy on the mound to decide which pitch to throw. Time ticks by while everyone fidgets. The batter adjusts himself. The player bent over with his hands on his knees wiggles his hips slightly…
There you go. Just like that. Good boy. Give the crowd their money’s worth.
That’s James Darnell, offering all the encouragement you need to pack along your binoculars before heading out to the stadium. Uniforms have changed over the years (I prefer pinstripes,) but they have held onto their ability to hug the form. Flattering on a baseball player’s body type.
What has also changed is the habit of slapping each other on the ass after every hit or catch or run that comes in. Now it’s mostly high fives that are exchanged. Occasionally, you still catch the friendly pat on the ass, but it used to be that every player returning to the dugout expected a flurry of spankings from his teammates. As congratulations, or consolation, or even because they deserved it. Watching the game was that much more fun.
The Superbowl was not the only big sporting event on Sunday. It was also the men’s finals at the Australian Open. Which brings me to my favorite athletes:
Tennis players. They tend to be on the tall side, and slender, with light upper bodies and powerful legs. Almost every one of them has a cute butt. For the same reasons as soccer players. Only, instead of running across a large field, their dashes and zig zags are confined to a tight space. Giving the muscles of their lower bodies a tough workout over the duration of each match.
Like baseball players, they spend a pause in the action bending over, behind the baseline. Tense. Ready. Often fidgeting. What’s more, they change sides between sets. So the fans in the stands can study the view of both men.
There are a number of players notable for having a really nice ass, but that picture is of the king in this category: Rafa Nadal. He rules his court with the most famous ass the sport has ever seen. It’s perfect. Just the right size for his body type. The shape seems to have an extra curve. It protrudes more toward the lower part of the cheek.
Nadal has posed as a professional male model. There are images of his recognizable posterior in glossy magazines, or online. A trim fitting pair of trousers. A fashionably faded pair of jeans. A pair of bright white cotton briefs. Not to mention the many action shots of him in his tennis gear, mid play.
This shot is one of my favorites. I love how the white graph lines on his black shorts act like a three dimensional drawing. Highlighting the lovely roundness. The dimples. He truly does have a magnificent ass.
So there, in just four frames, we have a fair variety of athletes who have a nice butt. No need to settle for football players, if what you are hoping for is an enjoyable way to pass the time while pretending to care about which team scored how many goals, or whatever. Change the channel to a different sport, pick the guy with the cutest butt, and start cheering for him.