A guy sent me an email describing a sexual fantasy of his. It was something he had always kept secret. Now, as far as sexual fantasies go, this one was fairly tame. Seriously. We’re talking tame. The kind of sexual fantasy that does not involve actual sex. At all. Not even close. He just expressed a long held desire to be put in a certain position and to feel another man place his hands on a certain part of his body. That’s pretty much it. In the brief email, I learned that this man was over forty, was decidedly short and, judging from the math he provided, more than a little overweight. His tone was striking in its sincerity as much as its timidity.
My first thought was that this was sad. The poor guy has lived so long, without ever finding himself in a situation where he could act out his fantasy. It does not matter how simple it is. A fantasy is a fantasy, whether it involves a relatively easy maneuver, or a complex scenario with props, costumes, and lines of dialogue, spoken in a seductive accent. Every dream should have the chance of coming true, at least once. What, exactly, was he waiting for? Does he think it will get easier the older he gets?
My own fantasies tend to be built upon foreplay, rather than intercourse. So I can empathize with this guy. The first time acting out something which has existed in your imagination can be exciting. It can also be a let down. There is no guarantee it will live up to the promise. You may have pictured every tiny moment in fine detail, and the real life person playing along might be a poor substitute for the famous movie star, or childhood crush, or whatever go-to guy gets you turned on the fastest. Time might travel in an alarming way, refusing to bend around or slow down as it does when you are controlling the action in your mind.
You might decide to leave the dream as it was, grateful that at least you finally gave it a go. Or, maybe you will keep trying to get it right. Hoping to find someone who shares the same fantasy and gets turned on by the same things. It’s the kind of experience you won’t fully understand until you try. So I found it sad that this guy had never done that.
My second thought was a bit harsh. I looked at his stats and wondered if his chances would be improved by losing some weight. If he made himself as attractive as possible, he would expand his options. That thought was quickly replaced with a third: It shouldn’t matter what age a person is, or what height, or what weight. There is a lid for every pot.
Not every gay man looks like a runway model. In fact, not every gay man is looking for a runway model. It is entirely possible to find a guy who does not care that you are not twenty-one and six feet tall, with a thirty inch waist. The stereotype that guys with gym bodies will only date other guys with gym bodies may be true, but there does not seem to be a rule governing any other body type. There is a wide variety of categories out there, and seekers of men in those categories. The trick is to find a match.
Then I wondered about this particular pot’s situation. He could, for all I know, be a straight married man. Imagine what it must be like to have a hidden urge to explore a certain sexual position with another man, if you have a wife and kids. It would explain why his desire has remained just that. If this is the case, then I hope he can find a discreet man with a similar story, and they both can, at long last, enjoy some playtime outside the boundaries of their day to day lives.
There could be other explanations. He might be a virgin, which is not as uncommon as people think. I stayed a virgin much later than most guys. It was something I carried around with me for years, afraid someone might find out. At first, I was pure and chaste by choice, but the longer I remained a wall flower, the harder it got to join the dance. Fumbling around in the dark is meant to be done by the young. After a certain age, it is expected that you will know certain things. How do you explain to a potential partner that you do not possess even the most basic skill set in the bedroom? What, you used to be a priest?
Clearly, his letter has touched a chord in me, or I would not feel compelled to write about it here. I know what it is like to harbor dark forbidden desires, or at least to imagine that is what they are. I know what it is like to have partners who are not interested in being adventurous in bed (or in the garage, or an elevator, or an empty laundromat in the middle of the night…)
I also know what it feels like to make that first awkward attempt. You’re embarrassed to say how it goes, when it plays in your imagination. He might think you’re weird. Still, there you are, in that provocative pose. There are his hands, right where you hoped they would be. Those sensations are real, and powerful, and yes you will add them to your dream the next time, and the next.
Most importantly, I know how it feels to share those fantasies with another person. In words, written or spoken out loud. I know how it feels to be sure that there are other guys who are aroused by the same things that turn you on. So please, sincere and timid guy, be assured that your fantasy is not unattainable, no more than it is bizarre. What you imagine is possible. In fact, it’s easier than you think.