Thanks, but… No.

Dear chilldude86,

Thank you for your invitation to fuck. I found it interesting that you made this particular proposition in the first sentence of your note. As way of introduction, one might say.

May I ask, what exactly was it about my profile that suggested to you I was the sort of person who might be inclined to fuck a complete stranger off a dating site? Without any preliminary niceties? Such as a pleasant and witty volley of emails, followed by a series of upbeat and intelligent phone conversations, then perhaps a few evenings spent together over dinner and a movie, or a walk on the beach?

For that matter, what makes you so certain I would be interested in fucking you after all of that, much less after  a carelessly broken handful of sentence fragments written, as far as I can tell, with your cat climbing across the keyboard? How else might one explain the poorly spelled words and half formed thoughts?

I’m terribly sorry, but I do not speak oaf. Nor do I speak gangster rap. I’m afraid you will have to communicate in full sentences and be prepared to demonstrate that your intellect is functioning above basic subsistence levels.

Furthermore, although I appreciate your admonishment that things could move faster if I provided a number for texting, I wonder if you have ever considered the possibility that the entire world might not share your In & Out approach to romance? You appear convinced that everyone else must surely be in a rush to copulate in the nearest bathroom stall with the first person to come along, and how inconsiderate of them not to advertise their phone numbers beneath the close-ups of their full erections?

There are undoubtedly other men of your base nature and indiscriminate taste, perhaps you might enjoy a higher rate of return if you chose one of them instead? May I call your attention to the way I am fully clothed in my photos? In fact, in one of them, I am dressed in a shirt and tie. If you stick to the guys who post shirtless shots where their heads are cropped off, you might receive a response more consistent with your Neanderthal cravings. Such an individual may be more receptive than I to grunts and ground thumping.

Thank you for your kind offer, but the only haste I sense lies in the desire to illustrate how we are not cut from the same cloth. Have a nice day. Somewhere else.


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